Postnatal planning during a pandemic

I’m perpetually on a mission to make it the norm for parents to be able to slow down after the birth of their babies. To be able to pull up the proverbial drawbridge and be in their own little postnatal bubble without any guilt or pressure to ‘bounce’ back’ and ‘get back to normal’. I never expected that the global pandemic that is COVID-19 would force this on parents.

There’s so much about the current state of the world that is incredibly difficult right now, including for new parents. Despite all that’s going on it’s still important, and arguably even more important, that parents take the time during pregnancy to write a postnatal plan. Putting together your postnatal plan is an opportunity to think about what things you need to put place to be able to look after yourself physically and emotionally in the early days and weeks after your baby is born. Some of what I normally suggest when thinking through your plan has changed with the current restrictions that are in place so I’ve pulled together some of my top tips for how to adapt your postnatal plan to the current state of affairs.

Visitors: Thanks to modern technology, while we can’t be together in person we can stay connected through video chat. And while this means that your family and friends can ‘meet’ your little one without the pressure that some parents might feel to tidy up and or make themselves ‘presentable’ before anyone comes to visit there are still some things to think about in terms of boundaries around when and how often you’re scheduling your Zoom/Facetime/Skype sessions. Even though you might not be entertaining people in person, video chat can still be tiring so setting boundaries around how you use it are a good idea.

Stocking Up: With quick trips to the shops not being as straightforward and home deliveries sometimes being slower than we’re used to it’s a good idea to think ahead about what things are important for you to have on hand and stock up before your baby arrives. This could be anything from supplies for a sitz bath or herbal bath soak to ingredients for nutritious and healing postpartum foods to a stockpile of your favourite chocolate.

Virtual support: With in person support services reduced, it’s important to know what is available so you know how and where to access support of you need it. What feeding support is available? Are your local breastfeeding drop-ins/breastfeeding counsellors/lactation consultants offering virtual appointments? What are the feeding helpline numbers that you can ring? Many postnatal doulas (myself included) have adapted how we’re working to be able to continue to support families so it’s worth getting in touch with local doulas to see what they’re offering and how that night work for you.

Emotional Support: I think this is one of the most important parts of a postnatal plan and even more so now. It’s important to think about who can you turn to for support if you are struggling emotionally. How can they help? Who can you talk to who will listen and offer support rather than advice? It can also be helpful to identify ahead of time where you can get support if you find you need it. In the current situation that might mean finding out how mental health services are running as well as any helplines you can call.

COVID-19 and the current pandemic have certainly changed what postpartum looks like for those that have birthed their babies during lockdown. We are celebrating the joys of welcoming new life, alongside the challenges of living in lockdown and social distancing. When we do come out the other side, I hope that as a society we’re able to hold onto what this time has taught us about postpartum and the value of slowing down and being present.

You can download a free copy of my postnatal plan template here and use it alongside these tips to plan for your own postpartum.

Looking after your relationship while looking after your baby

Have a look at this clock and think about how you spend an average day together as a couple. What kind of activities make up the day? How would you describe the day?

Once you’ve done that, now try and imagine what you think a day together as a family will be like once your baby is here. What kind of activities make up your day now?

I do this activity in my antenatal classes and It inevitably brings up discussion about making time for yourself and as a couple while juggling everything that comes with a new baby.

Some people have factored in showering, feeding themselves and connecting as a couple, but often times, some or all of these things are missing. And it’s so important that they’re not missing because in the juggle of caring for a newborn you need to be able to care for yourselves and each other.

Here are my top tips for looking after your relationship after birth, which starts with preparing before the birth.

1. Talk about expectations ahead of time

   As part of your postnatal planning, it’s really important to talk about your expectations. This could be expectations around how much parental leave you’ll both take, how you’ll divide parenting responsibilities, manage finances or expectations around intimacy and nurturing your relationship. It could also be talking about your love languages and how you’ll keep communication open when tough stuff comes up. Often times, challenges come up when there’s a mismatch between expectations and reality so talking these through ahead of time can help to get you both on the same page.
   

2. Pre-plan some ‘date’ ideas

   I’ve adapted this one from an idea from The Little Book of Self Care for New Mums. With your partner, sit down with a few pieces of paper and brainstorm some date ideas. I usually suggest coming up with ideas for three different time frames: if you have 5-10 minutes together, if you have 30-60 minutes together and if you have several hours together. It can be helpful to come up with a few ideas ahead of time for two reasons. Firstly, often times when we find these precious pockets of time one of two things happen, we either can’t decide what we should do with them or the life admin/dishes/washing seem more important and before you know it, that undistracted time to spend together has passed. If you already have some ideas it can make it easier to decide how to make the most of that time and give yourselves permission to ignore that pile of washing or sink full of dishes for an hour.
   

3. What have we learned in the last 24 hours?

   In the whirlwind of hormones, lack of sleep and looking after your baby it can be tricky to have meaningful time as a couple to check in with each other.
   
   Make it a priority to check in with each other once a day and talk about how the day has been and what you’ve learned in the last 24hrs. It could be what you’ve learned about yourself, your baby or about each other as a couple. It’s all about celebrating the good stuff and can be a chance to talk about what didn’t go so well and how you can look after each other.
   

4. Rethink date night.
   A night in the pub or a Friday night trip to the cinema might not be in the cards but that doesn’t mean that couple time isn’t possible, it just requires a little creative thinking. Instead of a Friday night trip to the cinema, instead check out a daytime parent and baby film screening instead. The pub isn’t out of the question either. A pub lunch date is totally doable and in my experience, a lot easier with a three month old than a three year old! It could be a walk in the park together and if one of you is wearing your baby in a sling you can even hold hands! If you feel comfortable with it, take offers of help from friends/family/your postnatal doula to look after your little one, even if it’s only for half an hour for you to grab a coffee together.
   

5. What is said between the hours of midnight and six am don’t count.

   Exhaustion makes people do and say things they might not normally do or say, this is especially true in the middle of night. One night after my first was born, in a sleep derived crazed state I asked my other half if he could stop breathing because his snoring was keeping me awake. Thankfully, he ignored this ridiculous request and didn’t hold it against me. Be gentle and forgiving with each other.

There’s no doubt about, having a baby challenges even the strongest of relationships but a bit of pre-planning and making a conscious effort to check in, connect in a meaningful way and forgive each other when exhaustion overrules kindness can make a world of difference.

Can a postnatal plan help reduce the risk of postnatal depression?

As a western culture we don’t value the idea of slowing down after giving birth. There’s pressure to get your body back, your old life back and yourself back, which is an impossible task because all of those things have been replaced with a new body, a new life and new person. When a new baby is born, new parents are born too. How much better off would new parents be if they were fully supported to ease into parenthood at their own pace and in their own way, rather than feel a pressure to look, act or feel a certain way.

Increasingly, parents are living away from their ‘village’ and don’t have immediate or extended family around the corner or nearby to come and help. And sometimes, even if they are nearby, they aren’t always the best people to be offering support. Then there’s the issue of parental leave. Here in the UK, the standard two weeks is barely anything and when their partner returns to work a new mum is left on her own to cope and care for this new baby and herself, by herself.

In the 1970s, anthropologist Dr. Dana Raphael coined the term ‘matrescence’ to describe the transition to motherhood. Similar to the transition to adolescence, women experience physical, hormonal and changes to identity when they become pregnant and cross the threshold into motherhood. 

So how can new mothers and new parents to be prepared to navigate this time of immense change and reduce their chances of developing a postnatal mood disorder? 

One of the key elements is a postnatal plan.

A research study into the causes of postnatal depression (Stern and Kruckman, 1983) found that cultures that had rituals and customs that were integral to the postnatal period had lower incidences of postnatal mood disorders.

Their research found that the cultures that were getting postnatal support right, all had protective social structures in place to support new parents. These included, a distinct postpartum period, protective measures reflecting the new mother’s vulnerability, social seclusion and mandated rest, functional assistance and social recognition of her new role and status.

It’s become standard to write birth plans but birth last such a short time
compared to the initial fourth trimester, and arguably the rest of your life as a
parent so why shouldn’t we be writing postnatal plans too?

When I first started working as a doula two and a half years ago, I wanted to create a postnatal planning template that took into account the findings of this research that I could share with the families I worked with to help them prepare for life after birth and support them in having a healthy and supported transition into parenthood.

I share this postnatal planning template as part of a postnatal planning session that I do with all the families that I support. For me, it’s an opportunity to spend time with together and get to know each other better. As the doula, it gives me the opportunity to learn everything from their hopes and concerns for the postnatal period, what they’d most like support with, what their favourite comfort food is and where they keep the tea. For the client, it gives them the opportunity to have an honest but encouraging conversation about what to expect postnatally and a chance to think and plan for what they’ll need in life after birth, before their baby arrives.

These conversations include discussions about things like household support and what might they need help with around the house and who can help?

I also encourage them to think about how they want to manage visitors and who they would like (or not like) to have around in the first few days/weeks and what boundaries they want to put in place? I often encourage them to think in concentric circles and who they feel most comfortable feeling emotionally and physically vulnerable around.

We talk about food and nutrition and how are they going to ensure that they’re eating nourishing foods and not end up living off biscuits and cold tea.

I encourage parents to consider emotional support and thinking ahead of time about who they can turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on or some encouragement. Who can they message to come over for a cuppa if they’re having a bad day and who can they text when they need a bit of encouragement. We also talk about mental health services in their area so they know what’s available and where to access support if they need it. 

New parents need to look after themselves in order to be able to look after their baby so postnatal treatments and self-care are an important element of the postnatal plan. We talk about postnatal treatments they would like to have and gather contact details for people like massage therapists or osteopaths or supplies for things like sitz baths ahead of time.

If they are parenting with a partner, we talk about how the couple relationship and how to keep it strong. This could involve thinking ahead of time about what parental leave will look like and how they’ll parent together during that time and then what that will look when parental leave is over. We might also talk about communication strategies, love languages, potential challenges, and making time for each other.

No two families or babies experience the postnatal period in the same way and different people will have different pre-existing risk factors for postnatal depression. However, by helping families to have an idea of what to expect, they can begin to think about what support they might need and plan ahead to ensure they are well supported and looking after their mental health. Some things can be planned for, while others are unknown until their baby arrives but having a plan can help them to be more prepared for whatever their postnatal experience brings.

Click here to download your own copy of my postnatal planning template.

What is Mother Roasting and Why Does it Matter?

I love connecting with other people who work in the birthy world. I met Claire aka @thelondonacupuncturist over coffee a few weeks ago and talked all things postnatal self-care, mothermoons and mother roasting.

What's mother roasting you ask?

Claire's written a guest blog to share what it's all about and why you should treat yourself to this lovely postnatal ritual which I'm so excited about.

Claire says:

As an acupuncturist specializing in fertility and pregnancy I have worked with A LOT of women over the years, and one thing I know to be true – once the baby arrives, the self-care tends to stop. At least for a while. 

So when I was introduced to Sarah and found out more about her Mothermoon initiative I was extremely pleased to meet a kindred spirit. 
I had just launched my Mother Roasting Kit as a way to give new mums a practical tool to aid their recovery post birth, something that could easily be done at home.  

In Chinese Medicine, mother roasting is a traditional treatment to promote recovery after giving birth, closing the gateways that have been opened, repelling wind and cold from the uterus and preserving the health of the mother. This is said to address the depletion post-birth that Chinese medicine believes can be a factor in low milk supply, post-partum depression, prolapse, fatigue, insomnia and anxiety. 

All of which sounds like a no brainer to do, right? But as it is most effective if done within a week of giving birth it falls off the list of ‘things I need to get out of the house for’, so I decided to create a gift box with everything you need to so it yourself at home. 
 

Deeply nourishing, relaxing, quick and easy to do, a moxa stick is used to warm the abdomen (and the lower back if a support person is available to help with that area) for five to ten minutes to tonify the Qi in that area post birth. Helping the uterus to contract and replenishing the blood and Qi it’s a post partum power up.

But there’s another part of the mother roasting treatment that makes this so important; the honouring of the experience you have just had in giving birth. Mother roasting nourishes the mother you now are, so that you can nourish the child you have.  It offers a way to reconnect your heart and mind with your body.

It can be a lovely, intimate thing to do with your partner, creating a space to acknowledge the experience you have shared and to honour the body that has just brought a new life into the world.  

Every birth is different. Getting to know the new being in your life can be overwhelming at times.   The change in hormones and your body might be challenging. As well as a practical way to help physically recover from pregnancy and birth, mother roasting is a tool to help you navigate that fourth trimester, to process the birth and adjust to the new status quo. So no matter how little time you might think you have for self-care when a tiny helpless new being seems to need so much care, taking ten minutes out for mother roasting is definitely something you can do. 

Head to Claire's website to order your own Mother Roasting Kit! 

Becoming a mum...it's really £@$%*@£ hard

I've been debating about whether or not to write this post and then once I had written it whether or not to hit publish. 

Just like it can be really unhelpful when people share their birth horror stories, I wonder if sharing about how hard new motherhood can be might be discouraging.

And then there's the issue of social media and how perfect everything can appear in these pixels and pictures. But a picture is just that - a picture.

I've shared this picture before. This was taken about three weeks after my son was born. I've managed to wash my hair, put on a bit of make-up and get out of the house for a day out - winning!

What you don't see is that I was suffering serious trauma from my birth experience. I was sore, tired and an emotional wreck. People kept telling me that 'at least you have a healthy baby'. I believed them and felt like I should get on with it so that's what I did, pretending everything was ok.

I was not prepared for the fact that becoming a mum could be like this.
That it could be this awful. That I would find it this hard. 

The more I think about my own experience of the early days and talk to other mums about theirs, the stronger I feel that we need to be honest and talk about it. 

No one tells you it's hard. And if they do tell you, you don't necessarily hear them because you've got your eye on the prize - preparing for labour and birth. 

That's exactly what I did.

I read all the books, did antenatal classes and felt as prepared as I could about the big event. I was going to rock labour and birth and I couldn't wait to meet my baby.

But aside from buying all the baby stuff I thought I needed, I did zero prep for life after birth.

What I failed to realise was this:

Labour lasts a relatively short time compared to the rest of your life as a mother.

Becoming a mother can be amazing and heart bursting, life-changing and the best thing you've ever done. But it can also be overwhelming and confusing and hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes the hardest thing you've ever done, especially in the early days and weeks.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, leaking milk and feeling like my body wasn't my own.

I remember desperately wanting my baby to stop crying, feeling like he never would and having no idea how I was going to make him stop.

I remember being so bone achingly tired sometimes that my eye lashes hurt.

I remember trying to go back to sleep after feeding my baby and being kept awake by my husbands breathing. I was so crazed and irrational from the lack of sleep that I woke him up to tell him to stop breathing so I could go back to sleep. Thankfully he ignored my ridiculous request!

Just like with labour and birth, it was hard to imagine what something is going to be like when having never been through it before, what I was going to find easy, what I was going to find hard and what was going to help.  

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I wanted to do things differently this time. So I started preparing for life after birth the same way I had prepared for labour the first time around.

I read up on what to expect of my post-birth body and emotions and ways to nurture and look after myself. I learnt about new babies, what they might be feeling about life outside the womb and how to help them adjust to life earthside in a gentle way. 

Just like it's important to have a birth plan,
it's just as important to have a postnatal plan.

I made a postnatal plan and had what I now call a 'mothermoon'. For the first few weeks after she was born I slowed right down and simplified life as much as possible. I focused on resting, nourishing myself and getting to know my new baby and I felt so much better for it.

Her early days weren't without their challenges. I had a postpartum haemorrhage and was anaemic as a result and struggled with blocked ducts and a painful milk let-down on top of all of the other 'glamorous' things that happen to your body and emotions after birth. 

Just like having a birth plan doesn't guarantee that labour will be breeze, having a postnatal plan didn't guarantee that those early days and weeks would be a breeze but it did mean that when I was finding things hard, it helped me cope.

I now run workshops to help women plan their mothermoon because I am so passionate about helping other women to not struggle the same way I did. I want all new mums to know what to expect and how to look after themselves so they have the start to motherhood that they deserve.

The next workshop is Sunday 18 March at Space@61. Click here to learn more and book your spot.