Postnatal planning during a pandemic

I’m perpetually on a mission to make it the norm for parents to be able to slow down after the birth of their babies. To be able to pull up the proverbial drawbridge and be in their own little postnatal bubble without any guilt or pressure to ‘bounce’ back’ and ‘get back to normal’. I never expected that the global pandemic that is COVID-19 would force this on parents.

There’s so much about the current state of the world that is incredibly difficult right now, including for new parents. Despite all that’s going on it’s still important, and arguably even more important, that parents take the time during pregnancy to write a postnatal plan. Putting together your postnatal plan is an opportunity to think about what things you need to put place to be able to look after yourself physically and emotionally in the early days and weeks after your baby is born. Some of what I normally suggest when thinking through your plan has changed with the current restrictions that are in place so I’ve pulled together some of my top tips for how to adapt your postnatal plan to the current state of affairs.

Visitors: Thanks to modern technology, while we can’t be together in person we can stay connected through video chat. And while this means that your family and friends can ‘meet’ your little one without the pressure that some parents might feel to tidy up and or make themselves ‘presentable’ before anyone comes to visit there are still some things to think about in terms of boundaries around when and how often you’re scheduling your Zoom/Facetime/Skype sessions. Even though you might not be entertaining people in person, video chat can still be tiring so setting boundaries around how you use it are a good idea.

Stocking Up: With quick trips to the shops not being as straightforward and home deliveries sometimes being slower than we’re used to it’s a good idea to think ahead about what things are important for you to have on hand and stock up before your baby arrives. This could be anything from supplies for a sitz bath or herbal bath soak to ingredients for nutritious and healing postpartum foods to a stockpile of your favourite chocolate.

Virtual support: With in person support services reduced, it’s important to know what is available so you know how and where to access support of you need it. What feeding support is available? Are your local breastfeeding drop-ins/breastfeeding counsellors/lactation consultants offering virtual appointments? What are the feeding helpline numbers that you can ring? Many postnatal doulas (myself included) have adapted how we’re working to be able to continue to support families so it’s worth getting in touch with local doulas to see what they’re offering and how that night work for you.

Emotional Support: I think this is one of the most important parts of a postnatal plan and even more so now. It’s important to think about who can you turn to for support if you are struggling emotionally. How can they help? Who can you talk to who will listen and offer support rather than advice? It can also be helpful to identify ahead of time where you can get support if you find you need it. In the current situation that might mean finding out how mental health services are running as well as any helplines you can call.

COVID-19 and the current pandemic have certainly changed what postpartum looks like for those that have birthed their babies during lockdown. We are celebrating the joys of welcoming new life, alongside the challenges of living in lockdown and social distancing. When we do come out the other side, I hope that as a society we’re able to hold onto what this time has taught us about postpartum and the value of slowing down and being present.

You can download a free copy of my postnatal plan template here and use it alongside these tips to plan for your own postpartum.

Looking after your relationship while looking after your baby

Have a look at this clock and think about how you spend an average day together as a couple. What kind of activities make up the day? How would you describe the day?

Once you’ve done that, now try and imagine what you think a day together as a family will be like once your baby is here. What kind of activities make up your day now?

I do this activity in my antenatal classes and It inevitably brings up discussion about making time for yourself and as a couple while juggling everything that comes with a new baby.

Some people have factored in showering, feeding themselves and connecting as a couple, but often times, some or all of these things are missing. And it’s so important that they’re not missing because in the juggle of caring for a newborn you need to be able to care for yourselves and each other.

Here are my top tips for looking after your relationship after birth, which starts with preparing before the birth.

1. Talk about expectations ahead of time

   As part of your postnatal planning, it’s really important to talk about your expectations. This could be expectations around how much parental leave you’ll both take, how you’ll divide parenting responsibilities, manage finances or expectations around intimacy and nurturing your relationship. It could also be talking about your love languages and how you’ll keep communication open when tough stuff comes up. Often times, challenges come up when there’s a mismatch between expectations and reality so talking these through ahead of time can help to get you both on the same page.
   

2. Pre-plan some ‘date’ ideas

   I’ve adapted this one from an idea from The Little Book of Self Care for New Mums. With your partner, sit down with a few pieces of paper and brainstorm some date ideas. I usually suggest coming up with ideas for three different time frames: if you have 5-10 minutes together, if you have 30-60 minutes together and if you have several hours together. It can be helpful to come up with a few ideas ahead of time for two reasons. Firstly, often times when we find these precious pockets of time one of two things happen, we either can’t decide what we should do with them or the life admin/dishes/washing seem more important and before you know it, that undistracted time to spend together has passed. If you already have some ideas it can make it easier to decide how to make the most of that time and give yourselves permission to ignore that pile of washing or sink full of dishes for an hour.
   

3. What have we learned in the last 24 hours?

   In the whirlwind of hormones, lack of sleep and looking after your baby it can be tricky to have meaningful time as a couple to check in with each other.
   
   Make it a priority to check in with each other once a day and talk about how the day has been and what you’ve learned in the last 24hrs. It could be what you’ve learned about yourself, your baby or about each other as a couple. It’s all about celebrating the good stuff and can be a chance to talk about what didn’t go so well and how you can look after each other.
   

4. Rethink date night.
   A night in the pub or a Friday night trip to the cinema might not be in the cards but that doesn’t mean that couple time isn’t possible, it just requires a little creative thinking. Instead of a Friday night trip to the cinema, instead check out a daytime parent and baby film screening instead. The pub isn’t out of the question either. A pub lunch date is totally doable and in my experience, a lot easier with a three month old than a three year old! It could be a walk in the park together and if one of you is wearing your baby in a sling you can even hold hands! If you feel comfortable with it, take offers of help from friends/family/your postnatal doula to look after your little one, even if it’s only for half an hour for you to grab a coffee together.
   

5. What is said between the hours of midnight and six am don’t count.

   Exhaustion makes people do and say things they might not normally do or say, this is especially true in the middle of night. One night after my first was born, in a sleep derived crazed state I asked my other half if he could stop breathing because his snoring was keeping me awake. Thankfully, he ignored this ridiculous request and didn’t hold it against me. Be gentle and forgiving with each other.

There’s no doubt about, having a baby challenges even the strongest of relationships but a bit of pre-planning and making a conscious effort to check in, connect in a meaningful way and forgive each other when exhaustion overrules kindness can make a world of difference.

Can a postnatal plan help reduce the risk of postnatal depression?

As a western culture we don’t value the idea of slowing down after giving birth. There’s pressure to get your body back, your old life back and yourself back, which is an impossible task because all of those things have been replaced with a new body, a new life and new person. When a new baby is born, new parents are born too. How much better off would new parents be if they were fully supported to ease into parenthood at their own pace and in their own way, rather than feel a pressure to look, act or feel a certain way.

Increasingly, parents are living away from their ‘village’ and don’t have immediate or extended family around the corner or nearby to come and help. And sometimes, even if they are nearby, they aren’t always the best people to be offering support. Then there’s the issue of parental leave. Here in the UK, the standard two weeks is barely anything and when their partner returns to work a new mum is left on her own to cope and care for this new baby and herself, by herself.

In the 1970s, anthropologist Dr. Dana Raphael coined the term ‘matrescence’ to describe the transition to motherhood. Similar to the transition to adolescence, women experience physical, hormonal and changes to identity when they become pregnant and cross the threshold into motherhood. 

So how can new mothers and new parents to be prepared to navigate this time of immense change and reduce their chances of developing a postnatal mood disorder? 

One of the key elements is a postnatal plan.

A research study into the causes of postnatal depression (Stern and Kruckman, 1983) found that cultures that had rituals and customs that were integral to the postnatal period had lower incidences of postnatal mood disorders.

Their research found that the cultures that were getting postnatal support right, all had protective social structures in place to support new parents. These included, a distinct postpartum period, protective measures reflecting the new mother’s vulnerability, social seclusion and mandated rest, functional assistance and social recognition of her new role and status.

It’s become standard to write birth plans but birth last such a short time
compared to the initial fourth trimester, and arguably the rest of your life as a
parent so why shouldn’t we be writing postnatal plans too?

When I first started working as a doula two and a half years ago, I wanted to create a postnatal planning template that took into account the findings of this research that I could share with the families I worked with to help them prepare for life after birth and support them in having a healthy and supported transition into parenthood.

I share this postnatal planning template as part of a postnatal planning session that I do with all the families that I support. For me, it’s an opportunity to spend time with together and get to know each other better. As the doula, it gives me the opportunity to learn everything from their hopes and concerns for the postnatal period, what they’d most like support with, what their favourite comfort food is and where they keep the tea. For the client, it gives them the opportunity to have an honest but encouraging conversation about what to expect postnatally and a chance to think and plan for what they’ll need in life after birth, before their baby arrives.

These conversations include discussions about things like household support and what might they need help with around the house and who can help?

I also encourage them to think about how they want to manage visitors and who they would like (or not like) to have around in the first few days/weeks and what boundaries they want to put in place? I often encourage them to think in concentric circles and who they feel most comfortable feeling emotionally and physically vulnerable around.

We talk about food and nutrition and how are they going to ensure that they’re eating nourishing foods and not end up living off biscuits and cold tea.

I encourage parents to consider emotional support and thinking ahead of time about who they can turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on or some encouragement. Who can they message to come over for a cuppa if they’re having a bad day and who can they text when they need a bit of encouragement. We also talk about mental health services in their area so they know what’s available and where to access support if they need it. 

New parents need to look after themselves in order to be able to look after their baby so postnatal treatments and self-care are an important element of the postnatal plan. We talk about postnatal treatments they would like to have and gather contact details for people like massage therapists or osteopaths or supplies for things like sitz baths ahead of time.

If they are parenting with a partner, we talk about how the couple relationship and how to keep it strong. This could involve thinking ahead of time about what parental leave will look like and how they’ll parent together during that time and then what that will look when parental leave is over. We might also talk about communication strategies, love languages, potential challenges, and making time for each other.

No two families or babies experience the postnatal period in the same way and different people will have different pre-existing risk factors for postnatal depression. However, by helping families to have an idea of what to expect, they can begin to think about what support they might need and plan ahead to ensure they are well supported and looking after their mental health. Some things can be planned for, while others are unknown until their baby arrives but having a plan can help them to be more prepared for whatever their postnatal experience brings.

Click here to download your own copy of my postnatal planning template.

Colic - it’s a symptom, not a diagnosis

Colic - for lots of babies it’s short lived and manageable. But for others, it’s intense and not so easy to figure out how to help your baby feel better and can be really really tough when you’re in the thick of it. Part of the problem is that the term ‘colic’ refers to a description of symptoms, not a diagnosis and sometime working through the symptoms to figure out what’s making your baby so unhappy can take time and a lot of detective work.

I recently met up with Vikki Wareham who’s a trained paediatric nurse and who’s launched a new service for parents looking for support with issues like colic, reflux and allergies as well as lots of other health and development related things.

She’s very helpfully written this fab blog all about colic, reflux and allergies, what to look out for and how to get help….

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‘I can’t look at my WhatsApp again; why am I the only one with a baby that cries? They can’t seriously all sleep 4 hourly already. One of them must be lying, well I wish one of them would lie just for me. I know, they are a great bunch of women and I don’t know how I would have survived the first month without them, but I feel left behind now. They are so sympathetic, but they don’t just understandhow hard it is.’ 

 ‘I’ve changed him. I’ve fed him yes, yes I burped him – for about 10 minutes! Why are you questioning me? No, I know you’re trying to help, but I’ve done it all, I just can’t settle him, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong?’ 

 How many of us have asked that question?The answer is almost certainly you’re doing nothing wrong! 

 Let’s get some perspective here; you aren’t alone - early infant sleeping and crying problems are the most common reason parents seek health professional help in the first three months of life, costing an estimated £65 million pounds per year in the UK. This was in 2001….imagine what it is now! 

The colicky baby

All you want is a reason, and in turn a solution, an end to the baby’s tears, and end to yours. The diagnosis of colic doesn’t necessarily bring that relief, as most parents will attest; there is no rhyme or reason to colic, often no obvious cause and consequently no quick fix. One of the most commonly used definitions (although not the only one) is crying for at least 3 hours a day, at least 3 days a week, for at least 3 weeks. ‘At least’ that means for a lot of infants, they are crying significantly more than that. The prevalence of colic is thought to be 5–19% of infants, that’s nearly 1 in 5. That’s significant. 

 There are several different theories around colic, one being migraine - Often parents find a daily elimination plan might help, so by cutting out/reducing noise/heat/light etc. For example some children find over-stimulus too much, so while a noisy rattle might distract and entertain one baby, it might be too much for another.  

Holding the baby, use a sling, touch, skin on skin and comforting goes without saying – but remember to look after yourself as well. You can take a pee without a baby strapped to you! There is now research to suggest that probiotics can sometimes help. The incidence of colic often drops around the 3-month mark, which is when their sleep patterns change as well, so stay strong team – it won’t last forever!  

The reflux baby 

 You might have been to and from the GP several times already; without a doubt your baby behaved beautiful while you were there, may be even smiled at the doctor? It’s typical right? When you’ve been up all night dealing with a squirming and inconsolable baby. You know they are in pain, you know something isn’t right, but diagnosis and treatment can be tricky to get sorted quickly. 

 Let’s get that perspective again – Regurgitation can affect up to 80% of infants in the first month of life. That’s a lot! Luckily, though, that number drops to 10% at a year old. It’s important to identify there are those children who are seemingly unaffected by it and continue a normal life, others display all the signs of discomfort and clearly need intervention. 

Some common symptoms:

• Posseting and vomiting

• Refusal to eat and difficulty swallowing

• Irritability during feeding

• Wet burps or hiccups

• Failure to gain weight

• Abnormal back arching

• Frequent coughing or recurrent pneumonia

• Gagging or choking.

 There is a comprehensive guideline that now works with a helpful tick box criteria. Health care professionals should be using it and if your child hits enough of the markers, they may need medicinal help. Otherwise the evidence-based research behind non-medical intervention is often not significant, i.e. no one thing works, otherwise we’d all be doing it right? In some infants, these tricks help; smaller and more frequent feeding and raising the head of the cot (While still adhering to safe sleeping practice). 

The allergic baby

Similar to a colic or reflux baby, these poor little ones often present as pain and discomfort. The prevalence of food allergy in breast-fed infants is just over 7%. It’s not as significant a number as colic and reflux, but it is still enough and in fact the consequences of allergic reactions means that these babies need diagnosis quickly.

Some common symptoms:

• Belly pain.Coughing

• Diarrhoea

• Hives or rash

• Nausea or vomiting

• Red rash around the mouth

• Runny or stuffy nose

If you are concerned about an allergy and you are breastfeeding, you will need an elimination diet. If you are bottle-feeding formula you’ll need to see your GP for a prescription for an alternative formula that’s either lactose free or completely dairy free (there is intolerance and allergy and within allergy there are different types as well, so it’s important your baby gets properly assessed.) It can take several weeks for remnants of the allergen to leave the body, so don’t necessarily expect an instant change.

The problem with these three presentations are that the signs and symptoms of all of them overlap. What I’ve listed above are the more common ones, but certainly don’t cover it all, (plus some children won’t have these symptoms….just to add to the minefield!) There are always going to be infants that have a differential diagnosis as well, meaning there is something else going on and needs further medical investigation and treatment. 

If you have any concerns about your little one, or recognise some of the signs and symptoms above then please get them checked out. Your GP or health visitor will be able to assess for you. Alternatively I’m very happy to do this. Babies this age are puzzles and there is a lot of information to be gathered a few different ways. You have to build up the picture, starting from the edges and make sure no pieces are missed.  

Building the puzzle takes time, which is why I offer an hour and a half one-to-one session. It includes taking a full history of your child, including pregnancy, their illness and importantly your family medical history. Then I do a physical assessment, which is another crucial aspect, how a baby handles as well as assessing their appearance. Please do make contact if you’d like to chat through anything or make a booking.  

The important message to convey to all you parents out there is that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not blame yourselves for this. You cannot prevent these conditions, all you can do is help recognise them or get help from a professional in recognising them. 

You are doing so well, parenting isn’t always easy. The first few weeks and months are even harder as not only are you learning your baby but also how they are trying to communicate with you and what they are saying. Deep breaths, be kind to yourself.

 Vikki x

 #itsoktoaskforhelp

www.fairygodnurse.com

 Vikki Wareham is a paediatric nurse and Founder of Fairy Godnurse. She is a trained sleep adviser, a breastfeeding consultant as well as a reflux, colic and allergy specialist. Vikki provides a unique, one-to-one holistic consultancy encompassing all areas of infancy, up to 6 months old. Through 20 years of physical assessments of children Vikki has developed an intuitive knowledge, to identify potential problems and symptoms. 

A senior staff nurse, a trainee Advanced Nurse Practitioner in Critical Care in PICU, as well as a member of the South Thames Retrieval Team (STRS) stabilising critically ill children across the south-east of England. She has spent the last 15 years working in Paediatric Intensive Care at Evelina London Children’s Hospitallooking after ventilated children needing multi-organ support. 

Vikki is a mother to 2 small children, aged 3 and 1. She is based in Forest Hill in South East London.

There's more to baby photography than you think...

I met Marion in the summer when she got in touch and offered to take some family photos for us. We’d been talking about getting proper family photos done for ages but never seemed to get around to it so when she offered, we were totally up for it.

She hung out with us at home to capture us in our element and we’re so in love with how the pictures turned out. This was obviously down to her skill behind the camera but also how comfortable she made us all feel. She’s my go-to recommendation for anyone looking for newborn photos and she’s written this great blog about things you might want to think about when having newborn photos taken to make it a relaxed and memorable experience.

By Marion Pelletant of Marion & You Photography

Everybody says it, but it’s true, when your baby comes, it will feel like a rollercoaster in every sense of the word. A pretty amazing and life-changing rollercoaster, to be honest. And you will see how easy it is to get caught up in the exhausting practical aspects of parenthood.

The first days and weeks fly by so quickly (even though they might feel that they will never end at the time). That’s why I always invite new mums and dads to pause for a moment. How will you remember those first cuddles, first feeds and nappy changes? Will you forget how tiny your child’s feet were after he/she was born? Photographs have the power to seize the early days of your new family life.

Having photos of your baby, whether it’s in the first two weeks or first few months, is part of a family self care process. The same way you are reaching out to a doula to care after yourself and your baby in your home, you can choose a photographer to capture the beautiful in your new day-to-day life as a family as a way to preserve an honest memory of these early days. With babies, creating those special photos at home are usually the best and this is why:

Home is where the heart is...

In the many months of pregnancy, we are waiting for this little person to arrive by preparing our nest. It’s our protective instinct talking. We get the baby clothes, the cot bed, the nappies, the nursery ready... We are ready to welcome our baby into the safest and most loving place we know: our home. That’s why I believe your home is the best place for a newborn photo session so you can focus on your cocoon and peacefully bond with your baby.

A place to relax and go at your own pace

Having photos in a studio involves a lot of constraints: not just leaving the house on time with all the baby equipment but you end up in a completely-new and unusual environment. In your own home you and your baby will feel in your element: if your baby needs a nap, she can lie down for a snooze by your side and you can nurse her in your comfy chair peacefully. Any newborn and baby photographer knows the importance of following the baby’s pace and being patient with everyone, including mum and dad who may still be learning on the go, as we all do. Let the photographer come to you so you feel more relaxed and your baby will automatically feel the same.

Details of your new routine

Life before children will seem like a long-gone memory as soon as you start your new routine with your baby: simple things like nappy changing, warming up the bottle or that new fashion look consisting of a muslin on your shoulder are actually great details to capture in photographs because they truly encapsulate your new family life. These small things have so much more meaning than what they appear to be: they represent the care and love you are giving to your child on a daily basis.

Milestones happen in the home

Your home is where your child will experience many of her key milestones in life: first time crawling, rolling, walking, her first words, etc... It’s where they will create their first childhood memories with you so is there a better place than home to start documenting your new family life?

The older siblings are part of the story

Even though we talk about a ‘newborn photo session’, the photos will include everyone in the family, including any older brother(s) or sister(s). It is important they feel part of a growing family where everyone has a place, where everyone matters, as you will all be in the photos. It’s a beautiful way of telling their story as siblings as they are just starting to get to know each other at this point. Capturing proofs of their early bond will give you photos you can really treasure for a long time.

Marion Pelletant from Marion & You Photography is a family, newborn and baby photographer based in South East London. Parents she works with enjoy how relaxed the sessions are as she simply follow the flow of their family. If this sounds like something you would like for your family, get in touch:

hello@marionandyouphotography.com / 07726884406

Visit Marion’s website

How to have the start to motherhood you deserve

A mothermoon is the time for you to nurture and be nurtured, to nourish and be nourished. It’s a time for you to rest and recover so that you can focus on bonding with your baby and begin to find your way as a new mother.

Below are my top tips for planning your mothermoon and looking after yourself in those precious early days and weeks and giving yourself the start to motherhood you deserve.

HAVE A PLAN

It’s common to write a birth plan outlining what’s important to you, what you want and don’t want so that you’re more prepared to handle whatever your baby’s birth throws your way. The same should go for the postnatal period. Think about things like what help you might need around the house, what emotional support you might need, how you’ll handle visitors and how you’ll make sure you’ve got lots of nutritious food to eat. Talk about it with your partner, write it down and share your wishes with your friends and family so they know how they can help. 

STOCK THE FRIDGE 

Making sure you’re eating plenty of nourishing food and drinking plenty of fluids is important and surprisingly tricky to do with a newborn to look after. There are lots of ways to plan to make sure you’re getting both of these things and not just living on toast, biscuits and cups of lukewarm tea. Batch cook some meals that you can store in the freezer and just pop in the oven to reheat. If you’re having a baby shower or mother blessing, instead of muslins and baby grows, suggest that people gift you with a dish that can go in the freezer, vouchers that you can use for meal delivery or organise a meal train.  

GATHER YOUR VILLAGE 

Lots of cultures around the world have customs that are focused on supporting new mothers. Family and friends come together to support a new mum and her family so she can focus on resting, recovering and getting to know her new baby. Whether it’s help from family, friends or a postnatal doula, gather your village and don’t be afraid to ask for help.  

PULL UP THE DRAWBRIDGE 

It can be so tempting to want to show off your gorgeous baby to everyone once they arrive, but think about limiting visitors in the early days. When you do have visitors, stay in your pyjamas, you’ll be less likely to play hostess. Keep visits short and sweet and have a rule that anyone who does come by has to do something to help out. They should also get their own tea and get you a cup too! 

BE KIND TO YOUR BODY

Your body goes through an incredible transformation over the nine months that you grow your baby. Once you’ve done the amazing work of giving birth, your body changes once again. Think night sweats, swollen boobs and a roller coaster of emotions. Knowing what’s coming and how to cope with these things can make it all a bit easier to deal with. Your body has been through alot, take it easy and be kind to it and to yourself.

FROM WOMB TO WORLD

A mothermoon can help to recreate some of what life was like in your womb and ease your baby’s transition into the world. Spending time in a calm, quiet environment with few distractions and lots of time spent skin to skin allows you to get to know this little person and can help them feel safe, secure and more settled. 

PLAN NOURISHING THINGS FOR YOURSELF

You need to look after yourself in order to look after your baby. Doing things for yourself to fill your cup can make a big difference to your well-being. It could be a lovely treat like a postnatal massage or closing the bones treatment or as simple as having a nap, a warm bath or having someone hold your baby while you drink a cup of tea while it’s still hot.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT 

Just because you have a plan, doesn’t mean that things will be easy or go smoothly. You don’t know what you’ll find challenging or what unexpected situations will come up but having a plan in place will help you to weather the challenges when they do come up. 

YOUR PARTNER MATTERS TOO

I talk not about mothermoons and giving yourself the start to motherhood you deserve, but your partner absolutely matters too. The arrival of your baby will be life-changing for them too. If you have a partner, talk about how things are going to change for them too and what support they might need.

THINK IN CONCENTRIC CIRCLES

Who do you want in your innermost circle. Who are the people you are most comfortable with seeing you at your most vulnerable and potentially partially clothed most of the time if you’re breastfeeding. As you move outwards think about how others can help with things like errands, looking after older children, holding your baby so you can do something for yourself.

No one experiences the postnatal period in the same way but by having an idea of what to expect, you can begin to think about what support you might need. Some things can be planned for while others are unknown until after your baby arrives. Having a plan will help you feel more prepared and help you have the start to motherhood that you deserve!

Five gifts a new mum ACTUALLY needs

I was with a doula client the other week who's home was filled with loads of gorgeous flowers. While I was there I unleashed my inner florist and changed the water and pulled out the wilting flowers to freshen up the bouquets. It was something I was more than happy to tick off the to-do list for them but it got me thinking about gifts that a new mum actually needs.

Things that are going to make life a little bit easier.
Things that will help her rest and recover and feel special. 
Things that will help her feel held, nourished and nurtured. 

Here are my top five new parent gift ideas. If you know someone who is pregnant, bookmark this list and refer to it when you're shopping for a gift and if you're pregnant share it whenever someone asks if there's anything you'd like or need for the baby!

1. Postnatal doula

Ok, so being a postnatal doula, I'm obviously biased but this is an incredible gift to get for new parents. You're giving the gift unconditional support. You're giving them a confidante a cook, a cheerleader and a cleaner all rolled in to one. Some would even say you're giving the gift of an angel (yes this is how I have been referred to on several occasions!) This would be a great group gift and if she's already chosen a doula you could arrange to pay the doula directly or purchase vouchers from Doula UK which she can redeem towards her doulas fees. 

2. Care package

You could make your own basket filled with goodies like one of my clients who received a package from a friend filled with everything she might need for the day three hormone swing when your milk comes. It included things like tissues, nipple cream, breast pads and a giant bar of galaxy chocolate in a handy little basket that she now uses to keep all her breastfeeding essentials (read: mostly snacks) in one place. If you'd rather leave the work to someone else, there are lots of fab options for care packages designed specifically for pregnant and new mums. The Mother Box, Don't Buy Her Flowers and Mum's Back are a few that are out there.

3. Self-care treatment

Nine months spent growing a baby and then giving birth is hard work and can takes it's toll on the body. A nurturing bodywork treatment like a postnatal massage or closing the bones would be well received by a new mum. Lots of practitioners do home visits so she can be pampered without having to leave the comfort of her home! 

4. Encouragement

For a little dose of 'you've got this' on those hard days, I love Vicki Rivard's gorgeous book Brave New Mama. It's full of gorgeous poems that have been described as tiny little doulas. For a pick me up that will fit in her pocket, the Yes Mum affirmations cards are perfect!

5. Food

Food is always a good choice and depending how handy (or not) you are in the kitchen you've got lots of options. You could cook a lasagna, soup or stew and help fill their freezer yourself or you can gift the lucky parents with vouchers from somewhere like Cook (who also offer 10% for new parents).

Is there anything you would add to list of must have gifts for new parents? 

What is Mother Roasting and Why Does it Matter?

I love connecting with other people who work in the birthy world. I met Claire aka @thelondonacupuncturist over coffee a few weeks ago and talked all things postnatal self-care, mothermoons and mother roasting.

What's mother roasting you ask?

Claire's written a guest blog to share what it's all about and why you should treat yourself to this lovely postnatal ritual which I'm so excited about.

Claire says:

As an acupuncturist specializing in fertility and pregnancy I have worked with A LOT of women over the years, and one thing I know to be true – once the baby arrives, the self-care tends to stop. At least for a while. 

So when I was introduced to Sarah and found out more about her Mothermoon initiative I was extremely pleased to meet a kindred spirit. 
I had just launched my Mother Roasting Kit as a way to give new mums a practical tool to aid their recovery post birth, something that could easily be done at home.  

In Chinese Medicine, mother roasting is a traditional treatment to promote recovery after giving birth, closing the gateways that have been opened, repelling wind and cold from the uterus and preserving the health of the mother. This is said to address the depletion post-birth that Chinese medicine believes can be a factor in low milk supply, post-partum depression, prolapse, fatigue, insomnia and anxiety. 

All of which sounds like a no brainer to do, right? But as it is most effective if done within a week of giving birth it falls off the list of ‘things I need to get out of the house for’, so I decided to create a gift box with everything you need to so it yourself at home. 
 

Deeply nourishing, relaxing, quick and easy to do, a moxa stick is used to warm the abdomen (and the lower back if a support person is available to help with that area) for five to ten minutes to tonify the Qi in that area post birth. Helping the uterus to contract and replenishing the blood and Qi it’s a post partum power up.

But there’s another part of the mother roasting treatment that makes this so important; the honouring of the experience you have just had in giving birth. Mother roasting nourishes the mother you now are, so that you can nourish the child you have.  It offers a way to reconnect your heart and mind with your body.

It can be a lovely, intimate thing to do with your partner, creating a space to acknowledge the experience you have shared and to honour the body that has just brought a new life into the world.  

Every birth is different. Getting to know the new being in your life can be overwhelming at times.   The change in hormones and your body might be challenging. As well as a practical way to help physically recover from pregnancy and birth, mother roasting is a tool to help you navigate that fourth trimester, to process the birth and adjust to the new status quo. So no matter how little time you might think you have for self-care when a tiny helpless new being seems to need so much care, taking ten minutes out for mother roasting is definitely something you can do. 

Head to Claire's website to order your own Mother Roasting Kit! 

Becoming a mum...it's really £@$%*@£ hard

I've been debating about whether or not to write this post and then once I had written it whether or not to hit publish. 

Just like it can be really unhelpful when people share their birth horror stories, I wonder if sharing about how hard new motherhood can be might be discouraging.

And then there's the issue of social media and how perfect everything can appear in these pixels and pictures. But a picture is just that - a picture.

I've shared this picture before. This was taken about three weeks after my son was born. I've managed to wash my hair, put on a bit of make-up and get out of the house for a day out - winning!

What you don't see is that I was suffering serious trauma from my birth experience. I was sore, tired and an emotional wreck. People kept telling me that 'at least you have a healthy baby'. I believed them and felt like I should get on with it so that's what I did, pretending everything was ok.

I was not prepared for the fact that becoming a mum could be like this.
That it could be this awful. That I would find it this hard. 

The more I think about my own experience of the early days and talk to other mums about theirs, the stronger I feel that we need to be honest and talk about it. 

No one tells you it's hard. And if they do tell you, you don't necessarily hear them because you've got your eye on the prize - preparing for labour and birth. 

That's exactly what I did.

I read all the books, did antenatal classes and felt as prepared as I could about the big event. I was going to rock labour and birth and I couldn't wait to meet my baby.

But aside from buying all the baby stuff I thought I needed, I did zero prep for life after birth.

What I failed to realise was this:

Labour lasts a relatively short time compared to the rest of your life as a mother.

Becoming a mother can be amazing and heart bursting, life-changing and the best thing you've ever done. But it can also be overwhelming and confusing and hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes the hardest thing you've ever done, especially in the early days and weeks.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, leaking milk and feeling like my body wasn't my own.

I remember desperately wanting my baby to stop crying, feeling like he never would and having no idea how I was going to make him stop.

I remember being so bone achingly tired sometimes that my eye lashes hurt.

I remember trying to go back to sleep after feeding my baby and being kept awake by my husbands breathing. I was so crazed and irrational from the lack of sleep that I woke him up to tell him to stop breathing so I could go back to sleep. Thankfully he ignored my ridiculous request!

Just like with labour and birth, it was hard to imagine what something is going to be like when having never been through it before, what I was going to find easy, what I was going to find hard and what was going to help.  

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I wanted to do things differently this time. So I started preparing for life after birth the same way I had prepared for labour the first time around.

I read up on what to expect of my post-birth body and emotions and ways to nurture and look after myself. I learnt about new babies, what they might be feeling about life outside the womb and how to help them adjust to life earthside in a gentle way. 

Just like it's important to have a birth plan,
it's just as important to have a postnatal plan.

I made a postnatal plan and had what I now call a 'mothermoon'. For the first few weeks after she was born I slowed right down and simplified life as much as possible. I focused on resting, nourishing myself and getting to know my new baby and I felt so much better for it.

Her early days weren't without their challenges. I had a postpartum haemorrhage and was anaemic as a result and struggled with blocked ducts and a painful milk let-down on top of all of the other 'glamorous' things that happen to your body and emotions after birth. 

Just like having a birth plan doesn't guarantee that labour will be breeze, having a postnatal plan didn't guarantee that those early days and weeks would be a breeze but it did mean that when I was finding things hard, it helped me cope.

I now run workshops to help women plan their mothermoon because I am so passionate about helping other women to not struggle the same way I did. I want all new mums to know what to expect and how to look after themselves so they have the start to motherhood that they deserve.

The next workshop is Sunday 18 March at Space@61. Click here to learn more and book your spot.

Red date and goji berry tea

I've been meaning to make this ever since I came across it in Heng Ou's book The First Forty Days when I was pregnant with Astrid but have struggled to get my hands on red dates. Thankfully my lovely friend Shu came to the rescue and brought me a bag when we met up a few weeks ago along with a traditional Malaysian confinement cookbook to have a flick through.

Tea plays an important role in the traditional Chinese postnatal diet and this is one is a classic. According to the Confinement Cookbook, are date and goji berry tea helps digestion, promotes wellness and helps alleviate stress.

The red dates benefit the spleen and blood and help calm the nervous system. The goji berries (or wolf berries as they are also known) support healthy liver and kidney functions, boost your immune system and improve eyesight.

The batch I made was a mix and match between the recipes and quantities in both books.

• Bring six cups of water to a boil in a pan
• Add two cups of halved red dates to boiling water and reduce to a simmer
• After about half an hour, add half a cup of goji berries and simmer for another twenty minutes
• Remove from heat and strain liquid into jug
• I found it too sweet at this point and added more hot water until it was to my taste
• Keep it warm in a flask and drink throughout the day