Have a look at this clock and think about how you spend an average day together as a couple. What kind of activities make up the day? How would you describe the day?
Once you’ve done that, now try and imagine what you think a day together as a family will be like once your baby is here. What kind of activities make up your day now?
I do this activity in my antenatal classes and It inevitably brings up discussion about making time for yourself and as a couple while juggling everything that comes with a new baby.
Some people have factored in showering, feeding themselves and connecting as a couple, but often times, some or all of these things are missing. And it’s so important that they’re not missing because in the juggle of caring for a newborn you need to be able to care for yourselves and each other.
Here are my top tips for looking after your relationship after birth, which starts with preparing before the birth.
Talk about expectations ahead of time
As part of your postnatal planning, it’s really important to talk about your expectations. This could be expectations around how much parental leave you’ll both take, how you’ll divide parenting responsibilities, manage finances or expectations around intimacy and nurturing your relationship. It could also be talking about your love languages and how you’ll keep communication open when tough stuff comes up. Often times, challenges come up when there’s a mismatch between expectations and reality so talking these through ahead of time can help to get you both on the same page.
Pre-plan some ‘date’ ideas
I’ve adapted this one from an idea from The Little Book of Self Care for New Mums. With your partner, sit down with a few pieces of paper and brainstorm some date ideas. I usually suggest coming up with ideas for three different time frames: if you have 5-10 minutes together, if you have 30-60 minutes together and if you have several hours together. It can be helpful to come up with a few ideas ahead of time for two reasons. Firstly, often times when we find these precious pockets of time one of two things happen, we either can’t decide what we should do with them or the life admin/dishes/washing seem more important and before you know it, that undistracted time to spend together has passed. If you already have some ideas it can make it easier to decide how to make the most of that time and give yourselves permission to ignore that pile of washing or sink full of dishes for an hour.
What have we learned in the last 24 hours?
In the whirlwind of hormones, lack of sleep and looking after your baby it can be tricky to have meaningful time as a couple to check in with each other.
Make it a priority to check in with each other once a day and talk about how the day has been and what you’ve learned in the last 24hrs. It could be what you’ve learned about yourself, your baby or about each other as a couple. It’s all about celebrating the good stuff and can be a chance to talk about what didn’t go so well and how you can look after each other.Rethink date night.
A night in the pub or a Friday night trip to the cinema might not be in the cards but that doesn’t mean that couple time isn’t possible, it just requires a little creative thinking. Instead of a Friday night trip to the cinema, instead check out a daytime parent and baby film screening instead. The pub isn’t out of the question either. A pub lunch date is totally doable and in my experience, a lot easier with a three month old than a three year old! It could be a walk in the park together and if one of you is wearing your baby in a sling you can even hold hands! If you feel comfortable with it, take offers of help from friends/family/your postnatal doula to look after your little one, even if it’s only for half an hour for you to grab a coffee together.What is said between the hours of midnight and six am don’t count.
Exhaustion makes people do and say things they might not normally do or say, this is especially true in the middle of night. One night after my first was born, in a sleep derived crazed state I asked my other half if he could stop breathing because his snoring was keeping me awake. Thankfully, he ignored this ridiculous request and didn’t hold it against me. Be gentle and forgiving with each other.
There’s no doubt about, having a baby challenges even the strongest of relationships but a bit of pre-planning and making a conscious effort to check in, connect in a meaningful way and forgive each other when exhaustion overrules kindness can make a world of difference.
